The Perks of being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
I loved this book! And I don’t mean the happy, entertaining, fun feeling I get when I read lighter fictional novels. This was different. I loved it in the sense that it had a profound impact on me. I could not stop thinking about the book and the story for days after finishing it. It took me longer than usual to get into it, but I’m so glad that I kept reading. I read it from the perspective of a parent, of a teacher, and of a music therapist; each of those perspectives provided meaning and depth.
Dear friend,
Love always,
Charlie
If you have only seen the movie, I highly recommend reading the book, and if you haven’t seen it or read it, read the book first! As is often the case, the book included many more essential details than the movie. The author writes in a no nonsense, matter-of-fact style. The entire book consists of letters from Charlie to an anonymous friend.
The teacher in me felt inspired when I read that Charlie’s positive mentor was his English literature teacher. The parent in me was relieved to read that Charlie had strong parents who loved him and who loved each other. The therapist in me appreciated reading that Charlie was intermittently seeing a psychiatrist to help him talk through his challenges. With all of these strengths, however, every part of me was saddened by the fact that the trauma in Charlie’s past caused irreversible damage, despite the strength of his support network built on his family, his friends, and health professionals.
Trauma
My wholehearted recommendation to read the book or watch the movie is for adults — particularly adults who work with teenagers. Whether you’re a parent, a teacher, a coach, or a counselor or therapist, the book offers a window into the world of a teenager who has experienced significant trauma. Trauma is unique — every individual experiences and processes trauma differently. This book gives one example of how a teenager experiences the trauma of his past and how he copes with it.
“But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there.”
Trauma marks us, and how we decide to move forward is up to us. I could relate when Charlie said, “But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there.” It’s hard to come to terms with that fact — we have no control over our origin or what was done to us, but we can choose how we move forward through life. In episode two of my “Coffee, Tea, and Music Therapy” podcast (dropping next month!), I talk with Nichoel Kimmerle, a licensed marriage and family therapist who is also certified in EMDR, a type of therapy that specializes in trauma. She explains how we all deal with our traumas differently and how important it is to seek help when we get “stuck,” whether from a “little t” trauma or a “Big T” trauma.
Anxiety and Depression
The book also addresses anxiety and depression. Because of a series of events in Charlie’s past, he avoids social settings and dreads starting high school after a summer of isolation in his room. After meeting Sam and Patrick, he starts to feel included, and his depression lifts. We need each other. If you know people who are clinically depressed, you probably already know that they become more and more isolated the worse they are feeling.
Don’t give up! Keep showing up, sitting quietly with them, listening or just letting them know that you’re there and you won’t leave. Depression and anxiety is a vicious cycle that feeds on isolation and low self-esteem, making it feel impossible to get “unstuck” and to climb out of the deep pit. It is difficult to love a deeply depressed person, but that is the very thing that they need.
Charlie writes the following about his depression:
I feel great! I really mean it. I have to remember this for the next time I’m having a terrible week. Have you ever done that? You feel really bad, and then it goes away, and you don’t know why. I try to remind myself when I feel great like this that there will be another terrible week coming someday, so I should store up as many great details as I can, so during the next terrible week, I can remember those details and believe that I’ll feel great again. It doesn’t work a lot, but I think it’s very important to try.
He knows that he will have good weeks and bad weeks, but when the bad days or weeks come, it feels like they will never end. Have you ever experienced that? Or do you know someone who has?
Music and its role in the book
One of the highlights for me was realizing the significance of music and how it helped Charlie through the happy and the sad times. Music was a big part of Charlie’s mental health. He writes:
Charlie’s favorite song included on the mixed tape: “Asleep” by The Smiths
I had an amazing feeling when I finally held the tape in my hand. I just thought to myself that in the palm of my hand, there was this one tape that had all of these memories and feelings and great joy and sadness. And I thought about how many people have loved those songs. And how many people got through a lot of bad times with those songs. And how much those songs really mean.
I bet if you take a moment to think about a significant or memorable moment in your life, you would be able to attach a song to it. Do it! Think of the time, place, and the song, and leave a comment below! Whether we think music is important in our lives or not, I believe that we have strong ties between our memories and music. (I’ll put myself out there and tell you one of my strong memories tied to music. I’ll include it in the comment section below to get our conversation going, so take a look.)
Getting back to the book, I strongly recommend it if you work with or are parents of adolescents or if you have an interest in what they’re going through in relation to friends, dating, depression, anxiety, and trauma. I do wonder, however, how realistic Chbosky’s portrayal of the teenage scene really is. As a parent of three girls about to enter their adolescent years, I don’t want to believe that drinking, drugs, and sex is part of every teenager’s life. Both the book and movie include strong language, sexual content, and alcohol and drug use. I am not naive to think that this never happens among our youth, but I want to believe that not every teenager engages in this scene.
Please take a moment to comment below! I’d love to hear your thoughts on the book and your experiences with depression, anxiety, trauma, or music and its role in improving your mental health. Find that person or those people in your community, and let them know how important they are to you today!